WANTED: Girlfriend Who Works With The Deceased
I know the definition of necrophilia, and let me assure you that even though, in college, I was a member of a Facebook group called “Necrophiliacs Anonymous,” it was in jest.Yes, that does mean that I think having sex with corpses is funny but have no desire to actually have sex with corpses. Additionally, I’m no longer anonymous, so the irony has increased 100%.I wanted to get that out there because one could speculate from the headline that I would be using our future relationship to gain access to corpses for some perverse reason. In truth, I don’t even want access to dead bodies, I’m more concerned with the living. It’s the fact that you are spending time with dead bodies that interests me.Do you want to talk about it? No? Either one is fine because I know nothing about the headspace of a person who spends many a day locked in the same building as a corpse, or many corpses.It doesn’t make much difference if you apply post-mortem makeup, sculpt new bodyparts for the decomposed, dress them for funerals or simply file the paperwork at a secretarial job at a morgue or mortuary. Are there bodies within 50 feet of where you pour your first cup of coffee in the morning? This ad is for you.I promise that in our early communication, I will survey the conversational landscape and judge the mood of all involved parties before I start asking questions about the feasibility of zombies. That might not even come up, who knows?Certainly not me.Whatever a person who makes a living on the razor-thin border between the mundane tasks of life and the cold embrace of the grim reaper must be good conversation.So, if you don’t always smell like formaldehyde, you’ve already passed the first of very few criteria (one of the others is: “Do you make these corpses yourself through random acts of murder?”).We should get coffee and go somewhere alive to possibly talk about dead things.But only if that’s what you’re into.
Previously:Week One: Mime GirlfriendWeek Two: Girlfriend Who Hates All Her TattoosWeek Three: Hippie GirlfriendWeek Four: Widow GirlfriendNext week’s ad is still up in the air if anyone has a brilliant suggestion.
