WANTED: Girlfriend Who Is Turned Off By Power and Authority

Most women are not in awe of the power I wield, somehow immune to my magnanimous personality and utter lack of hubris.My grandmother always claimed that she knew she was going to marry my grandfather when she noticed, “how sharp he looked in a uniform.”My grandmother is an idiot.Frequently, I have been engaged in civil conversation with a person of the opposite gender, only to have her swept away mid-discourse by the first rutting autocrat willing (and able!) to buy drinks, cars and small islands.Too long have I been plagued by obsequious sycophants who think that a large bank account is worth more in life than knowing arcane vocabulary, sharing camaraderie amongst plebeians, and still counting MTV’s America’s Next Top Model marathons amongst their mildly homosexual guilty pleasures.I am not a blue collar worker, I’m the employee of a “digital sweatshop” (says the New York Times), so I’m not going to take up the Marxist cause and march on the state apparatus, nor will I try to escape my humble roots by dancing out of the ghettos. I’m not Billy Elliott.Just once in my life, I would like to meet a girl that isn’t distracted by the shine of a badge, multiple personal assistants or access to drugs and celebrities.What happened to the attractive, smart women who recognized a man that had so little power he dedicated his life to the art of conversation, self-grooming, and making three-itemed lists?If this is you, you should e-mail me.Or don’t.I don’t have the power to tell you what to do.

Previously:Week One: Mime GirlfriendWeek Two: Girlfriend Who Hates All Her TattoosWeek Three: Hippie GirlfriendWeek Four: Widow GirlfriendWeek Five: Girlfriend Who Works With The Deceased Got suggestions for upcoming specific girlfriends? I’ve been keeping a list of all the stuff you guys have sugested, so keep ‘em coming.

Filed under: Craigslist Personals, Authority, Criagslist Personals, Girlfriend, Power | 2 Comments

WANTED: Girlfriend Who Works With The Deceased

I know the definition of necrophilia, and let me assure you that even though, in college, I was a member of a Facebook group called “Necrophiliacs Anonymous,” it was in jest.Yes, that does mean that I think having sex with corpses is funny but have no desire to actually have sex with corpses. Additionally, I’m no longer anonymous, so the irony has increased 100%.I wanted to get that out there because one could speculate from the headline that I would be using our future relationship to gain access to corpses for some perverse reason. In truth, I don’t even want access to dead bodies, I’m more concerned with the living. It’s the fact that you are spending time with dead bodies that interests me.Do you want to talk about it? No? Either one is fine because I know nothing about the headspace of a person who spends many a day locked in the same building as a corpse, or many corpses.It doesn’t make much difference if you apply post-mortem makeup, sculpt new bodyparts for the decomposed, dress them for funerals or simply file the paperwork at a secretarial job at a morgue or mortuary. Are there bodies within 50 feet of where you pour your first cup of coffee in the morning? This ad is for you.I promise that in our early communication, I will survey the conversational landscape and judge the mood of all involved parties before I start asking questions about the feasibility of zombies. That might not even come up, who knows?Certainly not me.Whatever a person who makes a living on the razor-thin border between the mundane tasks of life and the cold embrace of the grim reaper must be good conversation.So, if you don’t always smell like formaldehyde, you’ve already passed the first of very few criteria (one of the others is: “Do you make these corpses yourself through random acts of murder?”).We should get coffee and go somewhere alive to possibly talk about dead things.But only if that’s what you’re into.

Previously:Week One: Mime GirlfriendWeek Two: Girlfriend Who Hates All Her TattoosWeek Three: Hippie GirlfriendWeek Four: Widow GirlfriendNext week’s ad is still up in the air if anyone has a brilliant suggestion.

Filed under: Craigslist Personals, Corpse, Craigslist Personals, Dead, Deceased, Girlfriend, Zombies | 3 Comments

For those of you wondering how I can skip from Week Two to Week Four and not feel retarded: You obviously haven’t been checking on DosFactotum.com, where Thrash and I write hilarious blogs for your enjoyment (mostly Thrash).But, because I’m nice, let’s re-cap:Week One: Mime GirlfriendWeek Two: Girlfriend Who Hates All Her TattoosWeek Three: Hippie GirlfriendAnd now, onto week four: