Should any of you know Kate, or should you be Kate, I thought I’d preface this Craigslist posting:

Not serious, just hella funny.

I only included a picture on the original post so I could school the rest of the Boulder meat heads on this tiny list of Craig.

I Have 3 Weeks Before I Have To Go Back To My Girlfriend

Imagine you’ve always wanted a live teddy bear. You want a tiny life that you can share your days with. You’ll occasionally feed it, spend afternoons watching TV with it, dress it up and take it out somewhere fancy and, you know, have sex with it.

Now imagine that instead of a live teddy bear, you’ve purchased a baby panda: exotic and cute, it wows all your friends. You stock up your apartment with bamboo root, change the answering machine message (in case someone wants to call the panda), rent the panda’s favorite movies and settle down to live the dream.

Not only do you have a little bear, but it’s cool looking and somehow knows where to lick your neck just right!

Thing is, that panda bear won’t always stay small. Pandas are big creatures. Hell, BEARS are big creatures.

For years of your life you’ve pined for a live teddy bear, but live teddy bears don’t exist, they are called bear cubs and they grow up to be full fledged bears.

Now, the constant flow of bamboo is making you poor, the panda has developed a penchant for watching The View and you never get to have sex with it anymore.

Even if it would let you, you’d have to look at your shelf of stuffed teddy bears to get aroused because your panda has gotten so freaking huge.

Then, one of your friends is going to get married in Golden, so you fly out to Colorado for a month, promising the Panda that you won’t go to any pet stores to look at other bears, or go to Toys’R’Us to look at stuffed bear cubs.

But you aren’t planning on avoiding the zoo, are you?

If you can decode that metaphor and aren’t a very large bear then all you need to do is not ask Panda questions.

This is how I bide the time while Jess drives to the liquer store.

To read my other ads, click Filed Under “Criagslist Personals.”

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I posted this one a few days ago to make up for my Boston vacation, I can’t decide if I’m going to do another one today or not.

Hello, woman who has a cordless drill - 23 (Brooklyn/LES)

The two things I want in life right now are a special someone and the ability to hang things on my blank walls. 

I promise to keep the screwing puns to a minimum.

 
If you haven’t been keeping up, I’m going to stop linking to ALL the past Craigslist posts. They have their own Category now, and the last one you can find HERE.

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This isn’t one of my best Criagslist Ads. It ended up being a halfterthought (half-afterthought) in the middle of a whole bunch of other website work. As a result, it was not drafted like the rest.

I will do better next week.

WANTED: Professional Impersonator Girlfriend

Earning money is no joke, and if you have been paid by a third party to pretend to be someone else? Well, I can think of nothing cooler.

Do you impersonate Susan B Anthony for elementary school students? Can you recreate one of her 100 speeches about suffrage? Do you wear a corset for historical accuracy? This ad is for you.

Maybe you’ve spent your whole life with idiots in bars coming up to you and saying: “You know who you look like?” and you respond “Marilyn Monroe, but only when I’m on the clock, jackass.” That would also be acceptable.

If you’re really lucky, you look enough like a current star to have promoters cut checks simply if you show up. That would be pretty sweet, I would imagine.

I also thought of asking for a professional girlfriend impersonator (a person who would pretend to be my girlfriend). Interestingly, that also interests me.

Think about it: you and I are dating, but only outwardly. You’d get to be arm candy and my excuse to miss crappy events!

If this interests you, I guarantee you’ll at least get a dinner out of it.

People are always telling me I look like Celebrity A or Celebrity B, they even consistently suggest I dress as Captain Jack Sparrow for any costumed event, but no one has offered me any money to pretend to be someone else. That’s a slice of life I have yet to partake of.

When you look in the mirror after one of you impersonation gigs, who looks back at you? Would it faze you if I were behind you when you looked in the mirror? ‘Cause that’s where I want to be: with someone who spends their professional life pretending to be something they are not.

People do it all the time, but you get paid for it!

The only restriction I would put on prospective applicants: you have to impersonate an actual person.

Too many times I have been hauled off to historical something-or-other and forced to listen to failed character actors pretending to be living the frontier life in 18-something.

I know churning butter was tough, that’s why I buy my butter at a supermarket. I don’t need to hear about a time period, I haven’t even figured out the current time period; why would information about the mid 19th century be useful to me?

I’ll put historical re-enactor applicants in the stocks with a sign that reads: “I have a mostly useless profession.”

Also, if you impersonate Rosanne Barr, I might ignore your e-mail.

If you don’t know why immediately after my reference: Surprise! You’re the nastiest type of lesbian.

Not that lesbians aren’t cool, because they are.

If you impersonate a historical or current celebrity, shoot me a reply and we’ll begin the communication process – in character if that’s the only way you communicate. I’m up for that.

Previously:
Week One: Mime Girlfriend
Week Two: Girlfriend Who Hates All Her Tattoos
Week Three: Hippie Girlfriend
Week Four: Widow Girlfriend
Week Five: Girlfriend Who Works With The Deceased
Week Six: Girlfriend Who Is Turned Off By Power And Authority
Week Seven: Girlfriend Who Works In Porn, But Does Not Act In Porn

Got suggestions for upcoming specific girlfriends? I’ve been keeping a list of all the stuff you guys have suggested, and I don’t have 52 good ones yet, so keep ‘em coming.