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Dos Factotum » Archive » Episode 815: aids Aids AIDS
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April 29th, 2009

Episode 815: aids Aids AIDS

Have you heard of those crazies who chase the HIV? Y’know, those dudes (and I assume gals, too) who sleep with people who have the HIV just so they can have the HIV too. Then, once they have the HIV, they can sleep with lots of other people with the HIV because, hell, they already have it and you can’t get more HIV positive. There are also givers—the people who have it and willingly give it to whoever wants it.

Man, if I ever have a kid, I’m gonna tell him just about every day that the world is so weird.

Now, here’s a secret I said I’d never tell, but enough’s enough. It must be known. David is one of those people. No joke.

Except he does it for measles. He read in one of those alternative culture magazines (I think it was Magnet) that chicks with measles are tornadoes in the sack. They bite ya all over, they pull on yer limbs real hard and they never get tuckered out. Also, once a dude has measles, his genitals taste like chocolate. And women love chocolate. It’s win-win, really.

So David went to the hospital and found the most measles-stricken lady they had and asked her out. She said yes and they went to see 17 Again and later that night they did it. Sideways, longways and upside-down ways. They broke the bed frame and started a small fire in the bathroom, it was so good. “It was the most terrifying sex you could imagine,” David told me. “And I need more.”

Problem is, once you have measles, you don’t have it forever like HIV/AIDS. You need to keep getting it over and over again. Your life becomes a constant search for M. (That’s what they call it. M.)

I told him I didn’t approve of his new lifestyle. He called me a bigot and a faggot and we didn’t talk for a month.

Then he called me early this morning. He was crying.

“What’s wrong?” I said.

“This town’s dry, man.”

“Dry?”

“I can’t find chicks with M. They’re all cured. Or dead.”

“Maybe it’s time to stop chasing.”

“Never! You don’t just stop chasing, man.”

“Oh. So what are you gonna do?”

“I read in Paste that there’s all sorts of M in Akron. So I’m moving there.”

“Akron, Ohio?”

“Yeah. They hang out in abandon tire factories and fuck like… Like…”

“Like sick people fucking in abandon tire factories?”

“Sounds like heaven.”

“What are you gonna do for food? Or money?”

“I’ll figure it out. Hey, I need 40 bucks for bus fare. Help me out?”

“Fine.”

“Thanks. Hey, please don’t tell people about this. If anyone asks, say I’m in Hollywood selling my screenplay. The one about the kids and talking animals who climb a ladder to the moon.”

“Fine.”

So that’s the secret. David’s in an abandoned tire factory in Akron having scary sex with measles-stricken girls. Probably dudes, too.

One Response to “Episode 815: aids Aids AIDS”

  1. Dave Says:

    Can I just say that the Aids-man’s face in that first panel was a happy mistake. I just drew the thing that was easiest, but the thought of him looking off into the distance, thinking about AIDS. Man, good job, me.

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