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Dos Factotum » Archive » Episode 811: The King of Low Prices
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April 15th, 2009

Episode 811: The King of Low Prices

As those of you who only read Nickelodeon magazine may not know, we’ve got a nasty recession on our hands and it ain’t getting better soon. It’s so bad, most babies are wearing tiny pickle barrels instead of clothes. Old people are straining their poop for medicine instead of buying new medicine.

The good news is, if you’re still employed, life’s easy. Why? Because shit’s cheap. Just the other day I was strolling down Park Ave. and an Hermès salesman in rags approached me and said, “Kind sir, would you like to buy a watch?”

Appalled by his stench, I waved him away and continued walking to my Gyrotonics class. That is, until he shouted: “It’s only five dollars! Please! I’ll throw in a modest ranch house in Toledo, Ohio.”

So now I’m the type of guy who wears Hermès. And I own a shitty house in Toledo. I may finally be self-actualizing.

Unfortunately, trained falcons and falconry supplies are still going for 2006 prices. Seems like I’ll have to wait for a full-blown depression to join the NYSFA. But by the time I do, the long wait will have made it all the more special.

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