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Dos Factotum » Archive » Episode 807: Picky Peppers
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April 1st, 2009

Episode 807: Picky Peppers

The month of March: In like a lion, out like a slightly warmer lion. That’s what they say, anyway.

So what’s April? I say it’s: In like a sad, wet human, out like a happy, dry human. A human who’s got big plans.

Indeed, April is a time for planning. All the zany ideas you have for summer fun have just begun gestating in your noggin.

“We’ll all go out to Montauk and eat shrooms and catch oysters in tiny nets and then eat the oysters outside and we’ll run into Ted Leo on the beach and he’ll give us a ride back to the city in his limo.”

“Sangria night! Every single night!”

Those were two popular ones back in April ‘07.

As for this year, I have only one: Successfully woo the cashier at my local Chinese restaurant.

She’s really cute and may speak enough English to understand simple phrases like “Are you lonely here?” and “When is your shift over?”

This is how the infatuation began: I went there recently without any cash. They accept credit cards, but there’s a $10 minimum. I only wanted a small General Tso’s chicken, which costs $5. So I turned on the charm.

“Is there any way we could…forget about the rule?” I said.

She didn’t understand.

“Like, could I use my card just this once?”

“Ten dollar minimum,” she said again.

“But could something…be arranged? Please?”

She didn’t quite understand that either, but she was smiling.  And once you have a lady smiling, the rest is gravy. I gave her a faux pouty face, which she liked. An American woman would have likely been disgusted. (I should mention that I was not sober.)

Then she explained that I could use the card but there would be a dollar surcharge. I said OK. It’s a fair policy.

“Have a good night,” I said.

“You too.”

I’m thinking my next steps will be: 1) exorbitant tipping and 2) writing her a note on the receipt she gives me: “Are you married?” (Or is that too forward? Suggestions?)

I’ll keep you posted.

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