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Dos Factotum » Archive » The 7 Most Viable Resolutions From My 35-Item List of New Year’s Resolutions

The 7 Most Viable Resolutions From My 35-Item List of New Year’s Resolutions

December 30th, 2008
  • Finish NBC’s one-season pooper, “Crusoe.” Robinson Crusoe and that wiseass Friday have been fending off buccaneers while discussing their differences (e.g., “I’m white and you’re black but we’re both humans, Friday.” “Yes, Robinson, but in your country, I am a slave.” “And what a fine slave you’d be.”) for five episodes now and I hope to watch all 13 before January 2010.
  • Stop eating the nappy-ass food from the Chinese place on the corner. It’s so close and so cheap but only sometimes real food. The chicken nugs resemble fried yellow sponges, and they leave me gassy and depressed. I order the General Tso’s chicken extra crispy. It’s never crispy. But I keep coming back like a battered housewife who figures, heck, a fist to the face is better than no human contact at all.
  • Find Quaaludes. If you can eat guinea pig-on-a-stick in Corona, Queens, there has to be a way to get some decent ‘ludes in this city.
  • Travel. Get out of dodge. Put the pedal to the metal. Ride Professor Joplin’s flying machine past the farmhouse for once. I’m thinking Memphis, Wilmington, Del., Staten, Montreal—anywhere with minimal open-container laws and B&B’s with gnomish owners. And cities known for having pretty girls, like Bon Temps, La.
  • Pick a body wash and stick with it. 2008 was, regrettably, a year of many body washes for me. With everything else to worry about (Gaza, gay rights, ghosts—and those are just the G’s), not having to sweat which brand of soap to buy would be one less thing on my plate. I generally use Dove ‘cause it makes my skin feel smooth like a puppy’s tummy, but once it runs out, instead of buying a new one, I tend to use my backup, a green Old Spice gel. Recently, a third option entered my life: Olay Body Wash Plus Spa Exfoliating Ribbons. It was an impulse buy. The blue ribbons and seaweed-y speckles caught my eye and wouldn’t let go until I paid $8 for the bottle. And I might stick with it: it tastes like bubblegum, and I’m the kind of guy who gets a lot of body wash in his mouth while showering.
  • Continue to avoid accidentally burning my penis on the hot, uncovered pipe in the bathroom.
  • Watch “Heat.” Never seen it. Have always wanted to. And it’s not like I never have three hours to kill. Three out of every 10 of my hours could be killed, no problem. I’ve really dropped the ball on this one, like,  every year since 1995. Here’s to hoping 2009 is more productive.
  • —Ryan Grim

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