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Dos Factotum » Archive » How to Find a Suitable Subculture

How to Find a Suitable Subculture

November 15th, 2008

Ever since I moved to New York I’ve been on the lookout for a subculture that would accept me and, ultimately, after years of devotion, come to consider me as their leader. I tried rock climbing, but those dudes are way too into wheat grass and group sex. I tried the Union Square Marxist revolutionaries, but I couldn’t bring myself to yell “Truth! Truth! Truth!” into the megaphone while decent people shopped for heirloom tomatoes at the park’s farmers’ market. So I tried to join the farmers’ market. They were all like, “Are you a farmer?” to which I responded, “I could be, if given a chance.” They drove me to an alfalfa orchard in Staten and told me to start farming. I’d forgotten my chapstick and all the picking and pulling hurt my fingertips. I only lasted an hour. I tried NY1, the local TV station. They kept saying, “Hey, man, we’re not a subculture. We’re a TV station.” I stuck around for a week in case they changed their minds about not being a subculture. They didn’t change their minds. I joined up with these dudes who steal jewelry from wealthy families while they’re on vacation, but after each “job” was over, we would never hang out together and drink or compare tattoos or discuss our broken homes. Not much of a subculture, if you ask me. More like a band of thieves.

While buying some live guinea hens at the poultry wholesaler on Humboldt yesterday, I overheard the owner talking about his fighting pollos and how one specific pollo was going to make him a lot of money later that night. I stuck around all day and, after closing time, followed him to a warehouse down the street. There were cocks there. Fighting cocks. I won $25 and met a lovely Hispanic woman named Lupa. I can’t say much more about it; unlike those blabbermouth rock climbers, us cock fighting enthusiasts keep shit discreet. But I will say this: I’m finally home.

—Ryan Grim

2 Responses to “How to Find a Suitable Subculture”

  1. Vice President Dave Says:

    Pollos son para maricones. You should call up Michael Vick if you want to get into a not-totally-wussy subculture. And although the women you meet will have names that are random collections of syllables as opposed to Spanish words, they will have bigger butts. If you’re into that… which I am.

  2. Dave Says:

    I feel I should clear up that Vice President Dave and Dave Gonzales of Dos Factotum fame are separate people. Two distinct differences are: I don’t fight any animal illegally, but if I did, it would be Bear Baiting. Also, I have never been the Vice President of anything, because my tattoos and constant use of racial slurs make me unelectable.

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