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Dos Factotum » Archive » Episode 504: Water of Life
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September 10th, 2008

Episode 504: Water of Life

So word has it actor/comedian Bobcat Goldthwait convinced a girl (her name is Maude) to marry him, but, being a virgin, he was nervous about the honeymoon, so he sought some advice from his friend and fellow comedian Louie Anderson.

True story.

“Explain it again. Slower this time,” Bobcat said.

“All you have to do is stick it, “it” being all your genitals, in her pie and pinch the minnow. Like this,” and Louie demonstrated with a Frisco Melt and a knife. (They were at the East Orlando Steak N’ Shake, Louie’s hangout.)

“I’m still confused,” Bobcat said. “What if I can’t do it? What then?”

“How ’bout this: I’ll rent the room next to your honeymoon suite and give you sex tips through the vent in the bathroom,” Louie said.

“Perfect.”

Perfect, indeed: the Clearwater, Fla., Motel 6 is known for putting the bathrooms of adjoining rooms in close proximity to each other.

Later that week, in the hotel room, Bobcat and his wife were kissing ferociously. She touched his thigh. He got nervous.

“What do I do now?” he thought.

“Hey, pussywillow”—that’s what he calls her—“I’m gonna run to the John. Be back in a few.”

He went to bathroom and conferred with Louie, who was standing on a stool as to project his weaselly voice through the vent.

“You have to touch the back of her knee, stupid,” Louie said. “Then tell her she looks nothing like your mother.” He went on and on, sharing secret Anderson family sex moves, such as the Irate Postman, a move too foul to be explained on the Internet.

Meanwhile, Maude had to take a dump. The two lovebrids had finished off a large Domino’s mushroom and chicken pizza pie earlier. She considered knocking on the bathroom door, but didn’t. Her last husband had left her because she would routinely disturb him while he was popping. “Maybe I could go use hotel lobby bathroom,” she thought, but reasoned that Bobcat could be finished by the time she came back and figure out that she’d been pooping in the lobby—and nobody wants to do the squooshy squoosh with a lady who’s just shat.

She eyed the pizza box and a stack of Domino’s napkins. She’d shat in less inviting toilets before (e.g., a small freshwater aquarium).

“Fuck it,” she said, and squatted over the box. The turds were long and black, but didn’t smell.

“Yes! An odorless poo. I might get away with this after all,” she thought while wiping with a handful of napkins.

She turned off the lights, lit some scented candles to set the mood and jumped into bed, naked and oiled down.

Bobcat emerged from the bathroom into the dark room, ready to try out the Irate Postman on his bride.

“Where’s the light switch?” he said.

“Just come to bed,” Maude answered.

He stripped and walked towards his cooing woman, keeping a hand on the wall for balance. Giddy, he picked up his step and began hopping, in hopes of hopping onto Maude and immediately commencing the lovemaking.

Instead, he hopped into the poopy pizza box. Black, odorless shit splashed up his leg and into his hair.

“Oh my God! There’s shit in here!” he warbled and screeched in that classic Bobcat way.

From the bathroom vent came a loud whisper: “Turn her over, dude. Turn her over.”

Maude was highly embarrassed but Bobcat was cool with it, and they enjoyed a night of slow, tearful sex.

2 Responses to “Episode 504: Water of Life”

  1. Dave Says:

    See, I would have made a post about how this strip mentions that it is Monday, but it was Wednesday.

  2. Ryan Says:

    Oh. OK. wha?

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