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Dos Factotum » Archive » Episode 502: A Tang Phase
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September 3rd, 2008

Episode 502: A Tang Phase

As a piece (print only) in the August issue of Nature reported, astronauts who claimed to have drank a large amount of Tang while in space had more successful and rewarding sex lives after retiring than space rangers who opted not to drink the orange-y beverage. Does this mean Tang stays in your system for years, acting as an aphrodisiac of sorts? Or was it a mere coincidence that the astronauts who didn’t enjoy the tart drink had trouble in the sack?

Interesting questions are raised, but few are answered, so we did a little reportage of our own. Turns out, the only space cadets they interviewed were Buzz Aldrin and Nancy Walten. Aldren, who drank more Tang than water even while back on Earth, is a notorious fuck machine, laying down with whomever is still at the bar come closing time. He takes ’em old, young, middle-aged, but preferably old, especially once he himself became old. A quote from the October 1995 issue of Wine Spectator may shed some light: “Old women get me. I like the ripe ones. The younguns never stop complaining about their hair, and how I steal money from them. But the olduns…they know how to rock a former astronaut’s world. And they’re ripe. Ripe for the picking.”

Walten, who told Nature she dislikes Tang “because it reminds me of my father, a former forman in an orange juice factory who liked to yell ‘You’re outta here!’ every time is daughter, me, exited the bathroom. He also loved, and I mean loved, throwing paper airplanes, even on his death bed,” is a life-long virgin. Not because she wants to be and not because she’s unattractive, but rather because in the past, every time she’s been on the verge of being penetrated, her cell phone would ring and there’d be a family emergency. “Sorry, baby. Gotta go save my Aunt from killer bees again,” she’d say, and postone losing her virginity another week or month. She’s currently 80 years old, and hornier than David gets when he’s watching those Internet culture-savvy, black-frame glasses-wearing boys talk about video games on G4.

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