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Dos Factotum » Archive » The Bump and the Gravy, Part 3

The Bump and the Gravy, Part 3

July 11th, 2008

As discussed in part 2 of this autobiographical series on bodily abnormalities, Javier, the dermatologist, wanted me to give him a “buzz” today so we could “chat” about the results of the biopsy.

A recap: Two weeks ago, he snipped off the purplish nub that was once the bump’s hat, so to speak. He sent it off to a lab and gave me two stitches. He didn’t mention how long the stitches were to stay in my thigh or if they were to dissolve after a few weeks’ worth of showers. Over the past two weeks, the bump has predictably refilled with gravy. It’s not as large as it once was, but I have a feeling it will continue to grow until my body is comprised of more gravy-filled bump than human.

So, I called the office today. It rang about twenty times before I hang up. I called again. No answer. How a professional doctor’s office—one in fashionable Chelsea, no less—doesn’t have a functioning answer machine is beyond me.

I briefly considered faxing them a note: “What’s the deal with my bump?” or “Is the gravy in my bump poisonous or safe to drink?” Or I’d put it in a language they could understand: “Biopsy results needed, stat.”

I called again an hour later and let it ring for a few minutes.

I suppose I could walk over there and ask the receptionist in person. My greatest fear is that the building will no longer be Skinworks but rather a cashew cannery. I’ll frantically check to make sure it’s the right address. It will be. I’ll run inside and ask the foreman if he knows what happened to Skinworks.

He’ll say, “What? Speak up.”

The cannery will be very loud.

“What happened to Skinworks, the dermatologist’s office?”

“Skinworks?” he’ll say. “That hasn’t been here since 1949!”

I’ll say, “Ahh! But what about my biopsy? What about Javier?”

“Javier? The skin doctor? He’s been dead since 1948. Hey, maybe I can help. If you got a boil or a rash, there’s only one cure: cashews.”

“Thanks, but I’ve got a bump. It’s full of gravy. Harrumph.”

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