If you can tolerate Law & Order, then you’ll love this strip because it’s been ripped and plucked from the headlines…of the Town Crier, which serves Austintown, Canfield, Boardman and Poland, Ohio. Ryan had originally pushed to make this an 80-panel epic, but David was like, “No, just three. My wrists are so tired from all the puppet shows I’ve done for school.” (David went to art school.)
So here’s the rest of the story, as reported by Joan Fybb, deputy editor of the Town Crier:
Grandpa Paul wasn’t only fat, drunk, bitter, racist and diabetic. He was also a millionaire. He was never around for Grandma because he was always busy boating in the Caspian Sea and bathing in caviar with the Saudis. And about Andy’s surgery: it was just a nick on the forehead. He only needed two stitches, which is practically zero stitches. And if anyone should be ashamed, it’s Grandma. She’s the one who sold all of Andy’s codeine for round-trip airfare to LA so she could be in the Wheel of Fortune audience. No, she was not a contestant, just an audience member. The usher sat her next to a healthy old man named David Gonzales (not our David Gonzales) and he started stroking her neck and kissing her hand and telling her how he wanted to take her back to the shelter (he was, to all intents and purposes, homeless). And she obliged him. After the taping they went back to his shelter in West Hollywood and humped until the cows came home. He stuck it in her pie and pinched her minnow. She arched her back and moaned three Hail Marys in forgiveness. Back in Poland, Ohio, Andy, all alone, had to make his own peanut butter and honey sandwich and rub Neosporin into his head wound. He had to get up from his sickbed and change the channel on the television all by himself. But don’t cry for Andy. He’s an Eagle Scout, and a Christian. If anyone’s gonna be all right, it’s Andy. He may not have Grandpa Paul’s riches or Grandma’s joie de vive, but he’s got a half-decent head on his shoulders, good posture and a wide wet tongue. And if that’s not enough to get by in this $4.30-a-gallon, $8.50-a-pack-of-Camels world, then fuck it. Dig a hole and sit in it, Andy.