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Dos Factotum » Archive » My Brother Used to Kind of Date This Bodybuilder

My Brother Used to Kind of Date This Bodybuilder

April 15th, 2008

Putnam

Her name was Jessica Paxson and every pre-pubescent boy in my subdivision wanted to do her even if they only had a vague idea what “do” meant. I was 8 or 9 when my brother started dating her. They seemed so right for each other. But, like so many eleven-year-olds’ relationships, their fling ended once the school project they were working on was finished. (Note: the specifics of the romance and people’s ages are grossly approximated.)

It must have been sweet while it lasted. Imagine that: dating the girl whose name was mentioned alongside celebrities’ in “Who Would You Rather Do?” marathons, whose face was secretly compared to many of our first girlfriends’ faces.

Later, in high school, I was particularly interested in Paxson gossip. (Which athlete from the Catholic school is she dating and how far did she let him go in his Wrangler? She’s taking her ex-boyfriend to the Prom because they’re still friends, but are they really just friends?) Sometimes, in a sad ploy to add a footnote to the dish, I’d mention that years ago she’d dated my brother, as if brief Middle School-era trysts were still newsworthy.

Two years ago, I was forwarded a picture of an oiled-down, threateningly muscular Jessica, striking a pose. Obviously, she looked much different than the thin cheerleader who brought my brother Popsicles that one time he had the flu. I was bewildered, but proud of her. She seemed happy as a bodybuilder—or maybe her extra strong lips had formed a permanent smile.

Only God knows why I Googled her name yesterday. Perhaps I saw a female bodybuilder on TV and thought about Ms. Paxson and her unorthodox career path. Well, as I learned from her website, it’s Mrs. Paxson-Putnam now. Her bodybuilder husband, Peter, is the 2007 USA Lightheavy Weight Winner. Judging from the picture on his homepage, this award is given to men that are good at lifting weights and cultivating veiny arms. They live in Knoxville, Tenn., with their three boxers, Puncher, Piston, and Pixie. I can only assume the dogs are also fit and oiled down daily.

Jessica, if you’re out there, just know that I’m rooting for you. We may have only said 15 words to each other ever—“Hi, is your brother here?” “He’s sick.” “I know. That’s why I brought these Popsicles.”—but I truly hold you in higher esteem than some estranged friends because you chased down your dream, wrestled it to the ground, and wrapped your thighs around its head.

I read on your site that you and your husband are contributors to Faith and Fitness Magazine. If the editors there ever tire of your musings on how to live a healthful, God-fearing life, rest assured that you both have an open invitation to write a column for Dos Factotum. I was thinking it’d be about exercise, God and what intercourse is like with rock-hard labia minora, but do whatever feels right to you.

Lastly, any fitness advice for a 22-year-old smoker with a spongy physique and a hatred of light beer? Be honest: How much does the oil really help?

Ryan Grim

3 Responses to “My Brother Used to Kind of Date This Bodybuilder”

  1. Dos Factotum » Archive » All the Girls I Know From Ohio Are Becoming Bodybuilders Says:

    […] there was Jessica. Now there’s Catherine, the daughter of my second grade teacher, Mrs. Ostberg. Judging from […]

  2. Monty Aggas Says:

    good goodthis post deserves nothing 🙁 hahaha just joking 😛 nice post 😛

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    Dos Factotum » Archive » My Brother Used to Kind of Date This Bodybuilder

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