In the interest of piggy-backing off my article “Automobile Facts,” I’ve written up some (true!) Sint Maarten/Saint Martin facts.

Fact 1. Some residents of the small tropical island speak Papiamento, an amalgamation of Dutch, Portuguese and Spanish that sounds exactly like what you’d hope a tropical island’s language would sound like. The ATMs there ask if you’d like to conduct business in English, French, Dutch or Papiamento. One time I chose Papiamento. The transaction predictably ended with me hitting the universal red cancel button and starting over.

Fact 2. About half of the island is part of the soon-to-be dissolved Netherlands Antilles, which means the Dutch own it. The other half is French, which means it’s expensive. There are more taut, white boobs to be seen on the French side (see Fact 5.)

Fact 3. One French bartender who lives and works in the French side was excited to learn that I live in New York because Cloverfield blew is mind. “The camera was so different,” he said. “Like Blair Witch.” He was also a fan of Melinda and Melinda, and informed me that Woody Allen is adored by the French but not well-liked in America. “You don’t like him,” he said.

Fact 4. The island’s pride and joy is guavaberry liqueur, a 70 proof purplish drink they use to spruce up piña coladas and BBQ ribs, among other things. The local newspaper, The Daily Herald, is heavily sponsored (and possible owned) by the Sint Maarten Guavaberry Company. The sign in front of the paper’s office has a bigger Guavaberry logo than a Daily Herald logo. The Guavaberry logo is a bearded black man wearing a top hat who’s presumably drunk on guavaberry coladas. If you happen to buy a bottle and try to make a guavaberry colada at home without the necessary ingredients (in my case, by mixing it solely with Bacardi), it will turn out to be a decent drink, which is all wanted two nights ago anyway.

Fact 5. There are both topless and nude beaches on the small tropical island. The nude beaches are best explored without your 16-year-old sister who, you hope to God, had never before seen a 65-year-old man’s dick and balls in person before last week. One beach has a small stone barrier that marks where the topless side ends and the au natural side begins. Once you cross into the naked side, you’ll see a well-oiled naked black man standing near a sand sculpture of a merman cradling a naked woman. Or maybe it’s a regular, two-legged man cradling a mermaid. Either way, the text carved into the sand sculpture reads “Tips for Photos.” I never asked the naked black guy what the deal was but I’d like to think that he is willing to pose in front of it with you (you can be naked or clothed) if you pay him.

Fact 6. You can buy a $35 dollar bottle of Johnny Walker Green Label Scotch at the duty free store in Princess Juliana Airport, which is more elegant than you’d think a small tropical island airport would be.

Fact 7. In the mountainous middle part of the island is a sugar cane plantation-cum-nature adventure park called Loterie Farm. We did the park’s “extreme” zip line course, which involves gliding on metal cords from tree trunk to tree trunk and walking on tight ropes and wooden footbridges that are high above the forest floor. The most strenuous part of the course was putting up with a Type A+ (re: socially retarded) engineer from one of the Dakotas named Dan. He was the only person in our group without a friend or family member present and I’m pretty sure he came to the island by himself because he kept talking about his “friends waiting for him at the beach” and only someone without friends at the beach would periodically tell strangers about having friends at the beach. While on the wobbly and somewhat scary tight rope, Dan handed me his camera and demanded that I snap a photo of him. Later on, he purposefully shook the footbridge while saying “Cool” in what sounded like an Eric Cartman voice.

Fact 8. You can buy a carton of Camel Lights at the airport’s duty free store for $12 but you can only take 20 packs (two cartons) of duty free cigarettes back into the U.S. Let’s hope this oppressive policy is on the list of Obama’s things to change.

Fact 9. If you stay at the Flamingo Beach Resort on the Dutch side, you’ll be in walking distance from a budget casino called Hollywood Casino. The nickel slot machines there attract swarms of aged spinsters from the American South wearing oversize Disney character t-shirts. I won $4.25 on the quarter slots, then lost $5 on one spin of the roulette wheel.

Fact 10. Because the shorter-than-usual runway at Princess Juliana Airport is located so close to the beach, arriving planes tend to fly a few meters above sunbathers’ heads. There are photos of this. People who want to be blown across the beach by a jet blast can stand near the runway while a jet takes off. The bigger the jet, the further they get blown. There are t-shirts about this (see I GOT BLOWN IN SINT MARTEEN).

—Ryan Grim

Tags: facts, Grim, Guavaberry, Sint Maarten, St. Martin

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