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Dos Factotum » Archive » Episode 114: The Baby, Part Two
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March 12th, 2008

Episode 114: The Baby, Part Two

You ever wake up, have some coffee and a ‘grette, and then spend the rest of the morning thinking of ways to get a baby? Not, like, steal one and keep it forevs. Just borrow one so you can have a day together. Most people would say, “That’s easy: Go to the park and have a friend distract an inexperienced mother with a yo-yo or one of those Sidekick telephones so you can snatch the pup from its stroller.”

True, that works, but we’ve discovered a much easier way that doesn’t involve spending time outside. (We love this hobby, but not enough to risk getting a sun burn.) It’s something we like to call “I Could Be the Father,” and all you need is a surgical mask, an un-wed mother giving birth by herself, and a ride to the hospital.

Put on the mask and enter the delivery room. As she’s pushing and cursing, make sure to wave and say, “Hi, Baby, I got off work.” She’ll say something like, “Raúl? Is that you?” To which you should say, “Sí. I’ve done some thinking, and I want to be with you now.”

After she squeezes out the soggy lil’ rascal, ask the nurse or candystriper or whoever to hold it. Say something sweet, like “I’m your Papí.” Then run away. The baby won’t know what’s wrong. They’ll assume this is what life is.

Then you can spend the day together, doing whatever fits in your budget. We’re cheap, so we generally just hang around the hospital’s lobby until we get sick of explaining to people why this naked, slimy baby is out in the open. After you’re done having a day with it, you should return it, either to its mother or any woman. Or just drop it in the playground’s ball pit. They love it in there.

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